We live in a society where women are sexualized and treated as secondary citizens. It is hard enough for women to establish their place in the society, and as a queer woman the task gets even harder. In a society that is largely heteronormative, the mere existence of queer women is too bold an act. The sheer presence of queer women rocks the status quo.
It is extremely hard for gay men as well but they still hold some male privilege. They still get to own their sexuality in some way because they are men. However, a woman who is queer is looked upon as a rebel just because she exists. Many well-intentioned friends and acquaintances find it hard to swallow that women can exist without needing men in any shape or form, including partnership.
It can be very tough for queer women to express their identity without being ridiculed or sexualized, even by people who are LGBT allies. There is only so much that queer women can share with their straight friends. Even after finding a partner, Sapphics still feel a void. They face a lack of safe space where they can be completely and honestly themselves.
Most people fail to understand that queer women don’t become queer only when they are in a relationship. Their identity exists even when they are single, they still need support and companionship. I remember joining dating apps just to find queer friends. I talked with many women identifying as queer and they confirmed that sometimes it does get lonely and depressing. They mostly rely on their internet queer buddies for support.
One of the women who identifies as bisexual said that people have asked her if she’s bi because she’s too ugly to find a guy. Such ignorance minimizes the existence of queer women and invalidates their experience. A lot of straight women don’t understand the struggle of queer dating. Many queer women hear phrases like, “Ugh, dating women is so much better!” or “Dating women would be a lot easier” or the classic “I wish I were a lesbian”.
Now the people saying these phrases might be actually very supportive but they simply don’t get the struggles of queer dating. They wouldn’t comprehend why a person would get involved in long-distance dating if it’s hard. They don’t realize that is comparatively difficult to find a same-sex partner who is like-minded.
Even when they decide to live together, it still is hard. A relationship is work, no matter what. Just because two women are involved the work doesn’t get easier. In fact, it actually gets harder because they also have to perform the stereotypical male tasks that a man might do in a straight relationship. Straight female friends don’t realize that lesbian relationships can also be extremely toxic and every time you break up, someone is going to tell you to settle down with a guy.
But this seems to be more persistent in women who are in their late 20s or above. Younger women and girls have straight friends who are a lot more aware. This, perhaps, can be due to the gender gap and the way different generations have been raised. Older queer women found it harder to meet other queer women. They only started connecting with other queer women on the internet in their adulthood. With younger sapphics it’s different, they have more queer friends that they meet in person.
"Being able to meet queer women in person definitely gives a sense of validation," Avni says. Ishta adds, "A lot of people ask me and my girlfriend online whether we are sisters and that can feel invalidating sometimes but then most of my friend circle is queer". A sense of validation is something that comes strongly from having strong queer women around you, claims an older woman who has struggled in a heterosexual marriage before realizing she was a lesbian.
A very common pattern amongst queer women has been that they were, at times, a bit late to come to terms with their sexuality as compared to men. It gets even more confusing for women because they have been taught to suppress their desires in general. At times, queer women themselves brush off their sexuality by thinking that if they had been queer they would have known obviously, succumbing to their people pleasing roles. And, a lot of women don’t come to the realizationion that they are attracted towards women till the time they date men. Some still continue to be with men even after numerous failed relationships.
A person who has not gone through this experience wouldn’t understand it. Here’s where having a close sapphic sisterhood can actually help a person through cognitive dissonance and anxiety, related to their identity. It is not just the serious things and struggles but also small everyday things, says Shefali.
"Like, when I am around my straight friends, they discuss shows and movies that are primarily heteronormative. I would love to discuss movies, shows about WLW without actually having to explain the entire plot. Being a queer woman who’s Indian is like having your own entire culture. We want women friends whom we can tag in lesbian memes," she expands.
Many queer women who came to terms with their sexuality a bit late describe it as puberty hitting in adulthood. They feel the same rush, excitement and happiness as a teenager and they can’t wait to find like-minded people to share all that with. "You know, it's great to have a partner, I feel extremely grateful! But when I see my friends go to each other's houses with their spouses, I want that too. I want a bunch of lesbians and their partners coming over to our house for brunch. You know, just the regular stuff where we can talk and feel like we are in a place where we belong, with people who actually get us,” explains Tanya.
Queer women are in a unique position because they are minority within a minority group. They are minority as women first, and then as a queer person. The experiences that shape them are very different from the ones of straight women and queer men. As queer women, we appreciate the support and love of our straight allies but sometimes we just want to be understood. We just want a friend who listens to us and says, “I can relate.” The mere fact that someone else feels the way we do validates our existence. And in a way, no matter how different our experiences are, our need to feel worthy, valid and accepted is quite universal.
